My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*pronounces fake like saké*
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.