A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My patience has stretch marks.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
January has been Januweary