Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
You Might Also Like
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”