2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
You Might Also Like
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
s
oc
i
a
l
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??