Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Isn’t
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?