You Might Also Like
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
house sitting!
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.