Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed