Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
You Might Also Like
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
never forget
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I need to get some bricks…
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me