Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
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I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
notice
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok