We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
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Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
#ProTip
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees