My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
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My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*seductively corrects your posture*
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?