People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why is this me 😫
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Lmfao