More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”