Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what