#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
You Might Also Like
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy