Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
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I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
listen closely