“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
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Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
any last words?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I’M CRYINGGG
I cannot call her anything else now
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”