Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
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• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I’M CRYINGGG
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks