I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”