I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
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Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Breaking news:
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!