My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here