I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?