My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
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me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.