Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
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“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
just make the entire table out of coaster
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Gods work.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.