Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
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I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m Sold!
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I will never stop laughing at this
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.