day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
won’t smith
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Tier 3 meme
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Life hack
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too