I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.