I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
This could be us… but you playing
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.