Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
it must be school picture day
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.