The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
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Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom