instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
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My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Best spot.. 😅
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.