My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.