fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
oh u like history? name everything that happened
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Not today.. 😂
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)