At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
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Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
estão todos miauvindo?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.