… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!