goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
That’s fair
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings