My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!