“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Name another movie that mislead you?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.