{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
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[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me sliding into hell like
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese