*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
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[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.