My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Rambo Rambow
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is