wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.