2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
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harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
All excellent questions
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.