NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.