I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.