Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
You Might Also Like
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
“How’s your day going?”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?