A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?