If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.