If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”