I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Grandmother clock.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Going into Monday like
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.